Monday, December 8, 2014

When the fire goes out.

One month ago, I was one week away from posting what was going to be a very happy post.  You see, I was five months pregnant with my first biological child.  Those five months were filled with anxiety, fear, hope, excitement, and dreams of the future.

But most of all, there was a bond and love like I had never felt or imagined.  I love my step kids, but honestly there are days that I would sell the teenager to a Persian rug man in a heartbeat just to get a moment of quiet.  After what happened a month ago, I would gladly live a life of racket.  

I can't give you all of the details due to pending legal action, but on November 7, my son was born and he didn't have to be.  4 weeks away from being able to breathe, he passed away.  My life has been forever changed.  I miss him terribly.  I had just begun feeling him move.  Every day, I would listen to his heart beat.  

When he was born, he looked so much like his father that Kevin had to grow a beard just so I wouldn't collapse into sobs every time I look at him.  I haven't been paying much attention to anything on the farm.  My very supportive family has picked up the slack.  

Probably won't be any show litters this spring.  I am grieving.  I can say that I have moved to the Anger phase of grief and I'm dedicated to doing everything I can to make sure what happened to me does not happen to another hopeful mother in Greenbrier County.  

One day, I will tell you about it.  For now, just know that his name was Thomas, he was perfect,  he was mine, and now he is God's.  

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